Mom

My mother is fading.  She is enduring no doubt alot of confusion with her dementia.  Looking through my blog here, I see a picture of her just 2 or 3 years ago and she was alert and present.  I can see that she rests alot in bed.  That she doesn't want to admit that she is so confused with the dementia and lack of memory.  I feel so bad for her.   Also present is a love inside of me pressing outward to help her anyway I can.  I remember her when I was 5, 6, 7 onward and what a great Mom she is.  However, I do remember alot of resentment inside for the thought that she was taking my place in relationship with my sister.  That she was somehow not helping us to be friends at all.  My anger and resentment burned bright.  In its place now in the last six months, are feelings of regret and a fear that she will leave me and us.  I'm not ready to see her leave nor get worse.    Mom was so bright and intense, I just always "knew" that she would be around forever.   Her light is dimming and I don't want that to happen.      I regret Christmases away from her "paying her back" for my loss of a sister and brother relationship.  I only hurt myself and I regret not being at her home for many Christmases.    I'm thinking maybe I should have never moved to NM and instead moved to TX; that way I could be alot closer.   I feel alot of pending grief and sadness hanging out in my mind and my eyes.   I don't want to be away from her for too long.  I was only there for 3-4 days two weeks ago.  I left and this time I got no phone calls from her.  She forgot I was even there.   I miss her and I miss the way she was.  Why didn't she and I talk about our difficulties getting along and misunderstanding each other and ultimately being hurt by each other????