I had no idea

I had no idea that the parents I grew up with had Narcissistic Disorders (a wide range of functioning therein); the story of how I found out will follow over time.   After a few years of good therapy in the late 80s and the 90s, it provided me with a good bag of tools and some sense of ... day by day what I might be presented with and how it would be best to handle situations.  In November, Greg and I went to Dallas (suburbs) to see Patty & Mom/Jerry.   It was great to see Patty's daughters ... I haven't seen them in a few years.  They are wonderful   Greg and I stayed in a hotel as usual.  While there, it felt like to me.... there was an "elephant" in the room.  

Mother's functioning at that point is at the point where she has no present memory from one moment to the next of any details.  However, her personality is still on board as is her memories from childhood.  She still recognizes all of us and know where we live.  

On point during that month, we had received a nasty surprise.  Jody out of the blue seemingly, decided he wanted to sue for Mother's guardianship despite Mother having a wonderful husband over the last thirty years.  Mother had been supporting Jody and had put her name & Jerry's on the mortgage for his house.  When Jerry needed to take control of Mom re: the move away from Jody's neighborhood, Jody found out that Mother would not be supporting him anymore.  Jody is an attorney that does law cases, such as drivers licenses, Criminal law, Marriage Law, dwi, etc.  

We drive back to New Mexico and Patty & I talked briefly as she was helping Jerry with the lawsuit mess.   If one reads about people that are handicapped with narcissistic personality disorder, one knows that there is a selection of the Golden Child(ren) and the Scapegoat.  I was always my parent's Scapegoat.  Since I never knew any different, I didn't start work on myself until I was in my early 50s... which is too bad because my quality of life would have been so much better (so much earlier).  

After December, I read everything that I could on Narcissistic Personality Disorder on the net and in books.  Too many things were clicking into place (making sense) .  I had earlier on been in ACoA but my parents weren't alcoholics nor druggies; they were functioning and "successful" in their occupations.  However, they fought viciously and then, they'd blame me.  Then my father started hitting my mother.  She didn't protect any of us kids when he decided he'd spank us with a belt.   I remember going to Shawnee High School with belt bruises on my hands, arms and legs.  Back in those days (the 1960s), it was discussed or reconized or brought up.   I was older than Jody by six years and older than Patty by 10.5 years.  Most of the blame fell on me for anything.  I survived the insane home by reading books and inhaling M&Ms.

To the present......  a new wrinkle...  My stepfather (I did not grow up with him) decided that he did not want me to come and visit Mother.   Last year I had tried to fly in every three months to see Mom and I did except for the last four months of 2012 ending in December, when we drove out.   Anyway, as I shared... Jody had notified my sister & stepfather that he was going to sue my stepfather for guardianshop of my mother.  Greg and I went out four days before Christmas.  While there, Patty shared emails with me from Jody (which were disturbing).  They had had a flight over what Jody planned to do with Mom if he got guardianship.

After leaving Dallas in December, I assumed everything was okay and that I would support Jerry all the way in an upcoming law action.  I wrote him two letters of support that he could use with the law case.    

An interesting anomaly occurred in which starting in October onward .... anytime I asked Jerry if I could come out and see Mom, he'd say they were busy or they were booked with appointments.  I never overstayed my visit when I was there.  I was there for 3-6 days per trip in 2012.  This year .. starting in February onward.. Jerry would say that Jody was causing him alot of problems and trying to intimidate him and he & Mom just couldn't have any visitors now because his nerves couldn't take it.  ?????

I had hoped to fly out to see Mom like I did last Mother's Day and bring her a dozen roses.  I respected Jerry's wishes and didn't come.   In all the ways this family has hurt me, this takes the cake.  Mom is 84; Jerry is 80.  Mom could pass at anytime.   I was at a loss....    I thought .. I need to look this up on the computer on Narcissistic Family Problems.  Wham ... there it was!   He's playing a game with me to shift the blame off of Jody (who Mother worships and adores and will not accept any negatives about) onto me.    It's like a trap.. waiting for me to react.   Except now that I recognize it...  there's no reaction or any upcoming trips from me; even though I haven't seen Mom in five months and would like to.  

I am surprised at Jerry.  I guess I'm not too horribly disappointed.  I felt he was co-dependent but some of the narcissistic behaviors more than likely... affected his behavior and ways of being.   It's sad that the entire family cannot love each other and communicate better with me.  It is a sickness.     I had hoped that my sister in Dallas (even though she was/is Mom's Golden Child) would shake loose from the dysfunction.  It may not be in my lifetime that she will get to know me.