An Enlightened Moment

This was unusual...   I was sitting in my bedroom watching Long Island Medium and this message came to me.  It may have come from God .. who knows.   But the message said, "Your mother was jealous of you.  She was always jealous of you.  She saw the light coming out of you and felt you were a threat to her and that by your nature, people would love you instead of her.  She had to make sure that other people couldn't stand you so she lied about you from early on and continuously throughout your life.  Those people who believed her wouldn't see you clearly for who you were and are.  They still can't. 

I knew my mother was abandoned early on by her mother which created problems early on for them.  I knew my mother always expected alot from me even when I was very, very young.  I know that in Mothers growing up years, she was never very important to her mother and was in many ways abandoned.  I grew up with yelling between my mother and father.   I remember some years later when Mother babysat Patty's girls and decided she had it in for my sister's oldest chld.  My sister's child told my sister about my mother's abusive behavior toward her.  My sister put the kabosh on that quite rapidly.  There was no one there for me when that happened to me early on.

I believe my mother had an undiagnosed Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  I know that there is a continuum of degrees that this disorder is acted out in people afflicted with it.  I know that when I was very young my father was fond of me and gave me alot of attention and called me "San".  I believe my mother lied about me to him and told him that I was a bad kid.  She continued to do this with other family members such as aunts & uncles and husbands.  Even though the the reality was that I cleaned my mother's house.  I did everything that I could to get her approval.  I was very kind to her always.  She wanted me to show off for relatives and do backbends, splits, etc. that I had learned in dancing. 

During the years of my parents marriage and their severe problems, I got pulled in into the maelstrom.  I tried to protect Mother in any way that I could.  She was always mad at me for nothing.  She just always unloaded on me whatever anger she was carrying around.   When Dad was being violent and we were all afraid, she would yell at me because my grades weren't perfect.  So I worked hard in high school and started making excellent grades.  Meanwhile, Mom & Dad are involved in fights.  They never comforted me or say that everything was going to be okay.  I felt like I was an adult too.  I don't think I ever felt like I was a child.  I was never reassured or comforted for anything.  They continued to fight and then they both decided that I ought to lose weight.  They had high expectations of me but meanwhile,  I'm going to school with stripes on my arms and legs from Dad spanking me with a belt.

I had no one I could count on.  At that same time, it was discovered at age 18 that I had never had a period; so Mom took me to the general doctor who referred her to an endocrinologist.  It was found to be that I had an empty sella syndrome in my pituatary.  So the doctor began to give me meds such as thyroid and estrogen.   By the age of 13, I tried to commit suicide by taking about seven aspirin.  By that time, I had witnessed my father beating up my mother and getting knocked out of the way, so he could get to her.  During the teenage years, I witnessed several other violent scenes with my father not only hitting my mother but also my brother.  The teenage years for me was full of tears and horrible memories as I had not developed to the point where I had begun to grow up and mature.  I never got asked to dances in jr high or high school.  Many years of tears and lots of hurt.    I was my parents scapegoat and my brother and sister got into that.  I began to have bulimia and was still afflicted by the time I went to my first year of college.   The only thing that helped me survive was eating candy and reading books.

No one ever stopped Dad from beating Mom and spanking violently me, my brother and later, my sister.  One time when my father was staying out of the house and at a cabin, and he started to try to get into the house; the police were called and that was the only time.   I believe all of these horrible memories had a huge impact on all of us.  I was always amazed that during all the violence my mother didn't become a victim.  She still had alot of spirit.  I felt that if she didn't leave him that he would kill all of us.   My father sits in his nursing home in West Texas.  I never see hm.  I have no interest.