Ongoing dreams about a subject and I have to wonder why.  The dreams have me in them as an empowered adult but put into a childhood scene of the horror of domestic violence perpetrated by my "father" the person who did little if any loving supportive parenting.  In every dream (on this subject), my mother is as she was years ago -- young, beautiful, full of spirit, kind of a pistol - definitely with painful parent issues herself.  In these dreasm, my father or whoever Leroy thought he was ...  was coming out in anger and I was an adult and I had a knife and I attacked him; before he hurt my mother and traumatized the children - Jody and Patty.   I felt responsible and have always felt responsible for protecting my mother and siblings.  I have had two or three dreams on this same kind of event where I am a grown adult and I am stopping him from hurting anyone. 

I learned this year that he hurt his little sister at the time.  I have to ask ... what was wrong with him?  What happened in his childhood ?  Was this a biochemical thing that made his anger go out of control?   Or did this originate in his childhood?  What happened to him or within him?   How could my mother have been possibly attracted to him?

Besides the horrible events that traumatized everyone in the family, he had little fathering to give to me.  Somehow he thought I was the loser.  I was terrified of him.  I made my whole spirit and self a frozen statue living in this house of terror.  I remember when this domestic violence first started.  I was 12.  Mother & Dad shifted the blame of their fighting on to me like I was causing it.  I tried to commit suicide taking seven aspirins when I was 12.  I stopped talking to Dad at that same time (which was a week after we had gone to my Mother's brother's house as an escape).  Right after the violence, we went to Mom's brother's house for a short 'visit'. 

When I was five and happened to be in the restroom at our house, Dad came in and just used the bathroom.  He put his penis up in my face and said, "This is Daddy's tally whacker".  I was stunned and in shock and knew that I needed to get the heck out of that room.  Thank God nothing else happened of that nature that I can recall.

The violence that he perpetrated ruined adolescence and I am sure had a horrible effect on my little brother and sister.  The fact that my brother is taking drugs does not surprise me at all.  I am the only person of this family of origin (that I know of) that has been in psychotherapy for three years to help me heal from the effects of growing up in such a dysfunctional home.  I am so glad that I did.  It made an amazing difference in my life.  I was pretty picky when it came to selecting a therapist.